Editing and Revising
January 18, 2008
For my before and after I am going to use my essay that I used to show Ms. Robinson that I was not only non-sexist, but also very considerate of the opposite gender and their advancements and history throughout time. Some of these edits were not pointed out by Ms. Robinson, but I wanted to address them anyway because I felt that they were unacceptable. The essay was titled “Attention All Females: Men Can Be Wrong” and the complete version can be found in my “Other Works” section.
Before: These ridiculous divisions in status between genders have been almost completely eliminated from the minds of all normal human beings.
After: These ridiculous divisions in status between genders have been almost completely eliminated from the minds of the general public.
Notes: In using the terminology “normal human beings” it seems as though I am comparing sexist ideas in abnormal humans and that I am associating other behavioral characteristics other than prejudice, which isn’t the case. This essay is addressing female prejudice in people, not just in a certain group of people. For that reason, I thought it appropriate to alter the word choice (diction).
Before: These women that embraced this ideal were believed to develop their husbands into suitable members of society.
After: These women that embraced this ideal had the responsibility of developing their husbands into suitable members of society.
Notes: In saying that the women were “believed to develop their husbands into suitable members of society” shows a weak understanding of the Cult of Domesticity in which women did develop their sons into prominent male members of society. In adding that they had the responsibility of developing their husbands, I accurately meet the idea that I am trying to convey in that they were expected to do this, not “believed” to.
Before: Even in the pedestrian deaths, the number of males killed towers over the amount of females killed.
After: Males also eclipse females in pedestrian deaths.
Notes: The way that this sentence was previously written seemed as though the reader had some assumed knowledge of the exact statistics I was addressing. This is obviously not the case. The edit clarifies that I am now addressing the pedestrian deaths, in contrast to the deaths in motor vehicle accidents, but still involving males.
